Trouble Sleeping.

It is 1.40 am in the morning.

Even though the tittle is from one of the Corrine Bailey Rae's song, it is not that I am having a trouble sleeping because of a guy or something. It is because I just, cant, sleep.
So let me tell you something.

Have you ever felt like, you know something, but in reality, you know none of it?

Well, at least I have. In this case, knowing myself.

So? Do you actually, really, sure, i mean, really sure, know who you are? Don't bother thinking about others characters. Start thinking about your own character. Your body, mind and soul. I admit, that i am indeed, still in the process knowing my own self. Actually, this topic has been going on in my head for a long time. Since I can't sleep, it's not hurt to share,agree?

Like say, if I ask you to describe yourself in short one sentence, can you do it? Without, stoping or staring at the laptop and thinking. If you can do it, seriously, you have to be my mentor. Even i can't do it.

But, let me tell you a little bit that I finally realised about myself. I found myself very not similar to other 18 years old girls. Despite the fact that i dont have the 18-years-old-look, also the way how they think, which is, the have-fun-you're-still-18 thinking and it scared me a bit but then I started to learned to love myself. Maybe the fact that I've been spending my life with a 10 years old different in age, brother and a 8 years different in age, sister which is a good thing in my opinion. I got to learned and observed their life and try to prevent myself from doing the wrong things.

Because of that, so far, i am proudly say that i am indeed an independent girl. But like I said before, this is an 18 years old girl talking. I realised that my journey is still long and I have a lot more to learn. I still have a lots of questions about life that i have to find out myself. To be honest it is a little bit scary, for me.

Questions like, how are you going to survive this world? What it takes to survive? Am I really what I am? Is this what you really wanted in your life? I mean, how could an 18 years old girl answer this when she don't much know about life itself and in the process knowing herself? Don't be ridiculous. So far, how i managed myself is by learned from others, and of course, learned from my own mistakes. But sometimes, I too make some foolish mistakes. I mean like, who doesn't?

I always wanted to stop thinking like this and just be a normal 18 years old girl. Don't think about anything, just do what you wanted to do. But in reality, I can't denied that I can't be like that, because, it is wrong. You have to think first before you act or not you will make a stupid decision without even thinking about the possibilities and would regret it for the rest of your life. You know that you can't turn back time. The least you could do is put your past behind and learn from it. At least, i have done that, and still survived.

That's the least I could concluded about myself, so far. But still I want to find a way to describe myself as easy as it could be without writing a lines of paragraphs instead of one short sentence. Or, maybe it is just, impossible to do?

So, I ask again, do you really, i mean, really, sure, know the person the so called, yourself?

Love,
Aishah